the other day, i found myself being really triggered by the story that i was telling myself: “if i create something and if __________ created the same thing, they would receive all kinds of positive feedback and encouragement.” i cried like a baby to my mom about this. being the amazing nurturer she is, she told me that she was proud of me. she always does. she’s a rockstar mother like that. and i continued with my tears, saying i don’t feel like people ever really see me. they don’t see my struggles. they don’t see my late night tears or my lonely mornings. i get statements like, ‘oh, of course olivia can do that.’ or ‘that’s easy for her.’
What. The. Fuck.
just because i do my best to persevere through the dark, horrible things that are my personal demons, doesn’t mean that shit is easy. it is NOT easy.
every morning, i wake up feeling depressed. like thoroughly depressed. the kind of feelings people who know me don’t think i have. but that’s the thing - i think many people wake up full of negative thoughts. over the years, i’ve found that the only way for me is to push through them. not toss them to the side, not ignore them, but push through them. if i don’t get up and immediately write, exercise, and/or meditate, i’ll feel slow and sluggish for the rest of the day. if i am able to muster up the courage to power through, i allow the emotions to move through me and i come out the other side.
yes, victorious! a big word for a seemingly insignificant action. because the greatest thing i can do is embrace - and thus conquer - my own darkness. and he wants to play power-struggle every damn morning with me.
i don’t want to live that way. i know what i’m like when i’m running the program of my shadow and i know what i’m like when i’m moving gracefully through the world using my gifts.
i’m NOT sharing this to receive words of affirmation. it’s not my love language anyway. ;)
i AM sharing this because i know many people have this experience too, and i want you to know that:
i see you, warrior.
i see you calmly interact with your demons, because you know that they’re always there, no matter how fucking ‘spiritual’ you become. i see you acknowledge them. i see you rise above the mud they want to pull you into, and not only do you do your best to not get in the mud yourself, you extend a hand out to your inner demon, and you say, “I love you. It’s okay. I know you’re scared. I know you’re lonely. I know you are in pain. Let me help you by loving you instead of condemning you.” And instead of letting him pull you down again, you do the opposite and you courageously hug that fucker. you allow the tears. you go further than that even - you HONOR the tears.
and when you do, miraculously, you see a tiny ray of light appear through the clouds.
YOU made that happen.
YOU created that ray of light.
YOU ARE that ray of light.
so keep fucking shining.
keep getting up and doing your thing
even if no one seems to understand or acknowledge you
because the courageous work you are doing is worth more than
a million golden suns.
and on those days when you’re feeling down
and feeling like no one cares
and no one understands…
and if you still need a little extra love
a little extra acknowledgement
a little extra encouragement
- because we ALL do -
you reach out to me
and i will remind me of how powerful you are.
thank you from the bottom of my heart
for the work you are doing to better yourself.
as each one of us steps more fully into loving ourselves,
our planet will eventually change.
because an army of true love warriors
will do everything they can to move Love and peace to the forefront of humanity.